Start Over.

Tumblr's been banned in my country, I turned back to my blog to relive. I just have no place and nobody when it comes to the issue of sharing what I thought about my life, all about it. 

On my latest Tumblr's post, I wrote the desperation and helplessness that I've been dealing with for the past months. My life, eventually had gone worse because I lose my purpose, and my goal. Whereas somebody would have questioned me what would I become? My dreams? I'd be startled, cut to silence. Because I have nothing in my mind. I am living as a senior college student, and the more I realize how much closer I am to live as a whole human in the society, I am scared. 

I am scared of the uncertainty. The uncertainty of life will lead me to. The doubts of fate that will engulf me too. My parents' expectation of their first born to be able to live a good and well-off life. 

The fear has been eating me within from months to months, year to year. That it finally live it up to my brain and consuming all the spaces of my thoughts. The fear, had it been going stronger, getting bigger and then when finally realized something, it had became a wall that I couldn't climb. 

As of right now, I have no one to talk to. I couldn't tell my parents, since I'd end up crying muttering some bizarre words they would not understand. The best of it, is for them to advise me praying, bringing myself closer to the God, in which I have not been doing because I didn't attain the peace that I seek. I couldn't tell my friends, because I live up on lies. The lies that my family is closely supporting me, that my family is a peace-hall, a well-off fed family with my Dad on a tremendous cash to send his Daughter $500 a month to live, with my Mother who is attentive to me and understanding of what I could possibly want. I live up on lies, a set of lies that made up from a fantasy of mine that would not get real. And, more of it, I could not tell my sister, because she just simply does not care about me, whether she has the mind to save me from this ugly reality. 

I am finally bound to bear this within myself, while seeking self-supporting mindset to straighten out everything that got bent. I am, technically, diagnosing myself a depression. My parents would not have the thought to check me up on a professional. Because they think I am just a troublemaker, attention-seeker and also a burden. They would not want to waste extra bucks for ganging me up on a psychological diagnosis of depression slash anxiety slash stressing out that would taint their name of the upper-class of society. Accusing them not to have taught and treat their daughter well. 

My mind have been on jumping rope now. I gotta say that I got my mood-swings as well. I am struggling very hard to make every day works like how a normal person works their day. I keep myself with the thought that I am happy and I am resorting to this effort to not make any more troubles for my life, and for the people around me. 

I am just going to live by this 6-months life and see, what could I do with my whole reality check after it ends.